Adolescents taking a step too early

Anna Hazare: My Prime Minister

A school teacher in a prestigious school in Delhi was shocked when she accidentally discovered pornographic books in the schoolbag of a class six student. The parents of the child were completely ignorant about their son's adolescent adventures. Recently a 16-year-old girl was brought to our OPD in a state of panic. After repeated assurances and counselling, she said that she was pregnant. She was in a relationship with one of her classmates. Few years ago, only married couples would come into our clinics looking for advice on sexual problems. Today, young boys and girls walk in and ask about methods to enhance sexual powers. Teenagers have been sexually active before. What is new is that young children are getting involved in sexual activities. Urban Indian school children are growing up in a sexually charged atmosphere these days.

In 2002, an international survey was conducted in order to study the sexual behaviour of teenagers. The prevalence of sexually experienced 15 year olds ranged between 28 per cent and 47 per cent in boys and between 10 and 30 per cent in girls. The same survey found that while 27 per cent were involved in sexual activities, eight per cent had had a casual sexual relationship. In India, there is growing evidence that adolescents are becoming more sexually active. In urban areas, about 25 per cent of teenage girls have had sexual intercourse while in rural areas the figure hovers above the 20 per cent mark.

In our hospital, we found out that among girls whose friends were having a physical relationship with a boy, 70 per cent to 80 per cent were engaging in the same behaviour. Only 20 per cent of the girls whose friends were not having a physical relationship had one themselves. It appears that teenage sexual encounters are increasingly taking place outside the ambit of romantic relationships, in a purely sexual context. A teenager's decision to initiate sexual activity is complex and is predicated on a number of factors including physical growth and development, peer group values, media influences, rebellion and dealing with frustration and failures. The other factors that are associated with early sexual activity in teenagers include absence of supportive parenting, history of sexual abuse and indulgence in high risk behaviour. Teen sexuality is being influenced by the mass media now. Television, Internet music videos, sexually explicit lyrics all contribute to adolescents' attitude and behaviour towards sexuality. The Internet provides teens with seemingly unlimited access to information on sex as well as people willing to talk about sex. Sexual content is being regularly marketed to children, preteens and teens. Most entertainment programmes have sexual connotations ranging from bawdy jokes to raunchy dance moves. Teenagers who watch more of sexually explicit content on TV are twice as likely to engage in sexual activities than the ones who do not.

In fact pornography is directly related to sexual abuse, rape, sexual violence and sexual deviancy. Many parents avoid discussing anything to do with sex with their children. Parents should discuss sexuality with their children that is consistent with the values and belief of the family and should also ensure that their own behaviour observed by the teens is appropriate.

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Unfaithfully yours: Priyanka Rai says couples are getting to the root of the infidelity problem and not taking the easy way out of divorce

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Shreya Singhal's marriage did not fall to the tempest. It was, she claims, 'built on rock'. Thus despite having a husband who repeatedly cheated on her and continues to do so, Singhal (40) did not opt for divorce. Financially independent with a great career, Singhal believes that the marriage counsellor and psychologist she consulted helped her make the right choice ' that of getting to the root cause of her husband's problem and not choosing the easy way out.

She lists the reasons for her husband's infidelity - a not too great career and a disturbed childhood. 'He grew up watching an unfaithful father and a disturbed mother. The first time he cheated on me, I was devastated. I wanted to move out but lacked the courage to do so with two young children. I took expert help to delve into the root of the problem. This is the third time in the last 17 years that I am facing his infidelity. But I am working on it to solve the problem,' she says.

Psychologist Rita Mehta suggests, 'Divorce over unfaithfulness is totally unnecessary. Couples can work through the infidelity issue and grow from it. Does a spouse have an affair to purposefully wrong the marriage? I don't think so. Most often when a spouse is unfaithful it has nothing to do with the other spouse. The reasons behind unfaithfulness stem from the need for constant self-gratification, low self esteem and lack of spiritual wisdom and knowledge.'

She details how infidelity works. First the idea to be unfaithful is imagined in the mind. Secondly, it is meditated on with vivid scenes and great clarity. Thirdly, adultery somehow becomes justified because of wrong thinking and cultural influences. Finally the act of adultery is carried out in the physical sense. Sometimes the guilty party feels remorse about defiling the marital bond and won't do it again. No one finds out, case closed. But sometimes the promiscuous acts continue. 'Unfaithfulness in marriage is only a symptom of a greater problem. But so often when marriages break apart couples blame infidelity as the culprit, but it is not the real problem. The real issue is most likely boredom, lack of respect and commitment for one another. Proper guidance from experts can actually guide us to tide over tough times without reacting negatively or taking a wrong step. Today people come to us to us to find a solution. It could be because they are better educated or because of the awareness that this is a problem which rocks every second marriage,' she says.

Malini Garg, now in her 50s, got married to a bureaucrat 27 years ago. The Lucknow-based bureaucrat enjoys a stellar reputation among his colleagues and in the public eye. A few months into the marriage, Garg noticed that her husband had a roving eye and had many indiscriminate affairs. Although he has been sensible enough to keep these secret from the public eye but nothing stopped him from indulging in them. Yet she continues to live with him because of his position and power, which she believes can help her three children. 'There is no way I can stop him. I only have to live with the thought that his power and money are mine and cannot be shared with anyone else. He can go out and have his fun but he will come back home. Many men have approached me in these years as well but I have greater control over myself. But my husband's affairs have always been whimsical. Sometimes he tells me he is conducting experiments on women, sometimes he tells me he is checking his own control, sometimes that he just gave in to a spur-of-the-moment impulse. Sometimes I think of committing suicide but the thought of three unsettled children holds me back,' says Garg. According to Mohit Randeep, counsellor with Mon Foundation, Kolkata, polygamy or extra-marital affairs are not new for India, the land of Khajuraho, Konark and Kamasutra. 'History itself reveals the fact of polygamy which is our basic instinct. If we return to the primitive stage of society before the concept of family was born, there was a culture of free sex. And now in the 21st century we are discussing whether family as a social unit is in peril? Is marriage as an institution losing its sheen? May be this is the right time to talk, but polygamy or extra-marital affairs were very much there since the era of the Mahabharata. 'Sex' came to be regarded as a taboo only with the advent of the Victorian age.'

It is an idea shared by Dipankar De, one of the most admired actors of Bengali cinema who does not believe in platonic love. He thinks sex is the most vital aspect of every man woman relationship. De is in a live in relationship for the last 14 years with one of his co-actors Dolon Roy, almost 30 years his junior. He has left behind a 17-year-old marriage and two daughters. 'A relationship which you hide from the world can't be termed humanistic under any circumstances. I don't feel ashamed to reveal that before Dolon, I had two other extra-marital affairs. But I soon realised the difference between infatuation and love. Now with Dolon I feel I am the king of the world,' he says.

Infidelity sometimes ends in disastrous consequences. As in other states, there are a number of cases of murder due to infidelity reported from Tamil Nadu. Recently Poovarasi, a bank employee in Chennai, killed the three-year-old son of her superior officer with whom she was in an adulterous relationship. When she insisted on getting married, he refused and instead transferred her to another branch. In a fit of rage, Poovarasi caught hold of the officer's son, killed him, packed the body in a suitcase and left it in a bus. She is behind the bars now.

Dr. Sathyanathan, director, Institute of Mental Health, Chennai, says, 'Media becomes an important cause behind the rise of infidelity, as portrayed in serials and films. There was a time when merely saying that a man other than one's husband was handsome was considered a sin. But those times are gone. Now women are sexually empowered.' The number of people like Priya Singhal is on the rise. Unfaithfully yours is becoming an acceptable condition.

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The new generation is paving way for a sexual revolution, TSI finds out

After Irom Sharmila last year, Anna Hazare wins IIPM's 2011 Rabindranath Tagore Peace Prize of Rs. 1cr. To be handed over on 9th May

Winds of change

Radha, an engineer, works for an MNC in Pune. She is married to Vishal. They have a happy married life spanning nearly a decade with two children to show for it. Vishal is bisexual and has an affair with a man Radha is aware of this. She knows Vishal has been involved with other men too. But this has not affected their family life. There is love and happiness in their marriage. 'Most people of our generation know that love and sex are not one and the same. We should be loyal when it comes to love. But sex is more of a physical need just like hunger or thirst,' says Vishal.

A prominent family of Chennai came to meet Dr R. Sathyanathan, director, Institute of Mental Health, to discuss the issue of their only son, a homosexual. When the family insisted that he married a girl of their choice, he told them that he was gay. Dr. Sathyanathan, after a long discussion with the son, advised the family to accept and respect his decision.

Since talks of decriminalisation of homosexuality in India even began to pervade the corridors of power, gay nightlife in cities like Mumbai, Delhi, Kolkata and Bangalore has become more vibrant. These metropolitan cities have become the gateways of the new Indian gay culture with its urban outlook and acceptance of homosexuality. In 2005, Prince Manvendra Singh Gohil from Rajkot publicly came out as gay. He was quickly anointed by the Indian and the world media as the first openly gay royal. He was disinherited as an immediate reaction by his family though they eventually reconciled. Fashion designer Rohit Bal has too openly admitted that he is gay.

According to Malabika from Saffo for Equality (a lesbian rights society), the younger generation is definitely more liberal about homosexuality. 'There is a change in the perception. People are accepting that homosexuality is not a disease but an orientation. However, there are miles to go and it is much tougher in case of girls than boys,' she says.

The TSI survey reveals most people do not expect their prospective wives to be virgins. The same survey also shows that youngsters are now losing their virginity at a much younger age. The survey seems to reflect acceptance of today's reality.

Psychotherapist Shilpa Mogon agrees, 'Virginity has lost its sacred value. Saving your virginity for marriage is even laughed at these days by some people."

One reason for the survey result could be heightened awareness amongst the youngsters. "Today's youth is more focused on sexual compatibility with their partners before getting married. To do so, they understand that one has to lose virginity. Now comparing these two, they find virginity is not that vital. Lack of compatibility can break a marriage,' says Vishal. Reema, a doctor, was not happy in her marriage. She and her husband were incompatible. For a few years, she lay low but later got involved with her husband's best friend, a married man himself. They discovered that they were compatible in every manner and decided to be together. They left the city to start a new life. Their families initially opposed this but later came around.

Dr C R Chandrashekhar, psychiatrist with Nimhans, Bangalore, thinks that the transformation in the way Indian people look at sex and relationships is too negligible. 'I have come across a number of cases in which a person complains of cheating against his/her partner but very few are willing to forgive. I have seen many surveys say that a good number of youngsters are ready to forgive their partner if they cheat on them. But my question is how many have forgiven their partners in reality? It is not even one per cent. So whatever the impact of globalisation or corporate lifestyle may be, in India, infidelity is still considered a sin and majority of couples don't tolerate it,' he says. Dr K A Ashok Pai, a psychiatrist, says, 'The individual has realised that there are many more materially important things to be attended to than the biological functioning of a living organism which is just natural.'

Experts believe that in another 20 years, words like sex and taboo are going to have mutually exclusive uses. 'We generally don't want to break our century-old social norms. But our surroundings and the winds of globalisation has transformed the way people look at sex and relationship,' says Mohit Randeep, a psychiatric counsellor associated with Mon Foundation, Kolkata.

Believe it or not, sexologist of the Government Medical College in Amritsar Dr Shyam Sunder Dipti receives seven to eight calls everyday from young boys and girls. He can notice the change in their attitude towards sex. They talk freely about sex, ask things without any hesitation whatsoever.

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